If I Could Just Have a Word With Her

I wish I could sit down and write her a letter. I would if I knew that my time would be worth while knowing that she would receive it and read it. Not that I have been perfected as a wife and mother. Not that I get it right all the time. However, I have learned one secret in the journey of family and those most important relationships. I pray that someone else who knows the secret has maybe told her or will tell her.

I am not one to get wrapped up in the media world and the latest news on the stars in the spotlight. But for some reason I am highly disturbed by this whole situation going on in the Gosselin family. This is the family that stars in the highly rated TLC show,"Jon and Kate Plus Eight".

Most of you have probably been seeing the headlines and tabloids of a troubled marriage due to allegations that Jon was being unfaithful in the marriage. Instead of thinking of these people as a part of the "same ole same ole" gang of the celebrity world, I cannot help but think of this "real" family facing some "real" life issues.

Yes they are caught in the battle for moral stamina in a world where that very thing has to be fought for day in and day out. I am grieved at how the fame and attention has probably contributed to the problems in the family. However, the media is not to blame. It is the choices made by each spouse and the problems probably started way before the airing of the show.

In many marriages, including my own in different seasons, it is easy for the marriage to become a "child centered" marriage rather than a "spouse centered" marriage. When we are first married and before the kids come along, our husband or wife are the top priority. Then things easily shift after the first child is born.

We have nine children with two more on the way. I admit this has happened to us time and time again. However, we have had to come together many times to re-evaluate our relationship when it seems the well is running dry. It is amazing how many times I have heard people say this: "My children are the most important people in my life." What about the wife or the husband? Are they second? Third maybe after your job?

What happens is that the children become the focus and we think we are doing the best thing for them by putting them first. However, the lesson that I have learned is that the best thing I can do for my children is to love their father more than them. Sounds kind of ironic if you are not used to living that way since the kids came along. However, the greatest security that a child can have is a strong marriage between their parents. This means we have a lot to fight for in our marriages because number one, we are loving our spouse with our best and in turn our children get the best. So everyone wins.

So getting back to the Gosselins. I feel that this couple has lost this very thing along the way. Jon seems to care less if the show continues. However, Kate seems to think that there is no way of letting it go. My question to her would be, "Would you be willing to let all that money, attention and fame go in order to save your marriage?" Also, the family seems to have become more focused on the children than the marriage. In the new season premiere this past Monday, Jon and Kate both commented that their children are the most important thing to them. If so, then why not fight for your marriage?

Years ago, I heard about an interview James Dobson did with children from divorced parents. He asked them what was the most painful thing about watching their parents divorce. One child replied, "It hurt that they did not love me enough to try and work it out." When I heard this it stung my heart. If we really love our kids as much as we say we do, then why do husbands and wives not do everything they can to save their marriages?

I can say this with boldness because John and I have been in that very place in our relationship. At 7 years of marriage after the birth of our first son, we were separated and almost divorced. I was not thinking about anyone but my own happiness. I was not thinking about how a divorce would affect my child. I thought it was all about me and getting my needs met. We both hurt each other during that time. However, the choice was before us. We could go our separate ways and keep searching for whatever was out there to bring us personal happiness. Or we could choose to work hard with sweat and tears to make our relationship work. It looked way beyond repair. But 18 years later, we have reaped many blessings in marriage and family because we chose to fight for the sanctity of marriage and family not only for our children's sake but the sake of future generations. There are 7 of our children that would not have been born had we chosen to part. My heart breaks at the thought of "what if" we had chosen that other path.

My prayer is that the Gosselins will chose the right path....the best path. However, my heart sank the other night as I listened to the couple being interviewed separately. It could go either way. They may choose to go separate ways or they could make the sacrifice for the love of their children and choose to work on finding healing in their marriage. My prayer is for the later.

What are your thoughts? Don't you think we can all learn a lesson from the issues of this family who unfortunately are in the spotlight with every problem and issue exposed to the whole world? Our choices not only affect our own well being but more importantly the innocent by-standers that never asked for this kind of pain.