Wednesday, May 27, 2009

If I Could Just Have a Word With Her

I wish I could sit down and write her a letter. I would if I knew that my time would be worth while knowing that she would receive it and read it. Not that I have been perfected as a wife and mother. Not that I get it right all the time. However, I have learned one secret in the journey of family and those most important relationships. I pray that someone else who knows the secret has maybe told her or will tell her.

I am not one to get wrapped up in the media world and the latest news on the stars in the spotlight. But for some reason I am highly disturbed by this whole situation going on in the Gosselin family. This is the family that stars in the highly rated TLC show,"Jon and Kate Plus Eight".

Most of you have probably been seeing the headlines and tabloids of a troubled marriage due to allegations that Jon was being unfaithful in the marriage. Instead of thinking of these people as a part of the "same ole same ole" gang of the celebrity world, I cannot help but think of this "real" family facing some "real" life issues.

Yes they are caught in the battle for moral stamina in a world where that very thing has to be fought for day in and day out. I am grieved at how the fame and attention has probably contributed to the problems in the family. However, the media is not to blame. It is the choices made by each spouse and the problems probably started way before the airing of the show.

In many marriages, including my own in different seasons, it is easy for the marriage to become a "child centered" marriage rather than a "spouse centered" marriage. When we are first married and before the kids come along, our husband or wife are the top priority. Then things easily shift after the first child is born.

We have nine children with two more on the way. I admit this has happened to us time and time again. However, we have had to come together many times to re-evaluate our relationship when it seems the well is running dry. It is amazing how many times I have heard people say this: "My children are the most important people in my life." What about the wife or the husband? Are they second? Third maybe after your job?

What happens is that the children become the focus and we think we are doing the best thing for them by putting them first. However, the lesson that I have learned is that the best thing I can do for my children is to love their father more than them. Sounds kind of ironic if you are not used to living that way since the kids came along. However, the greatest security that a child can have is a strong marriage between their parents. This means we have a lot to fight for in our marriages because number one, we are loving our spouse with our best and in turn our children get the best. So everyone wins.

So getting back to the Gosselins. I feel that this couple has lost this very thing along the way. Jon seems to care less if the show continues. However, Kate seems to think that there is no way of letting it go. My question to her would be, "Would you be willing to let all that money, attention and fame go in order to save your marriage?" Also, the family seems to have become more focused on the children than the marriage. In the new season premiere this past Monday, Jon and Kate both commented that their children are the most important thing to them. If so, then why not fight for your marriage?

Years ago, I heard about an interview James Dobson did with children from divorced parents. He asked them what was the most painful thing about watching their parents divorce. One child replied, "It hurt that they did not love me enough to try and work it out." When I heard this it stung my heart. If we really love our kids as much as we say we do, then why do husbands and wives not do everything they can to save their marriages?

I can say this with boldness because John and I have been in that very place in our relationship. At 7 years of marriage after the birth of our first son, we were separated and almost divorced. I was not thinking about anyone but my own happiness. I was not thinking about how a divorce would affect my child. I thought it was all about me and getting my needs met. We both hurt each other during that time. However, the choice was before us. We could go our separate ways and keep searching for whatever was out there to bring us personal happiness. Or we could choose to work hard with sweat and tears to make our relationship work. It looked way beyond repair. But 18 years later, we have reaped many blessings in marriage and family because we chose to fight for the sanctity of marriage and family not only for our children's sake but the sake of future generations. There are 7 of our children that would not have been born had we chosen to part. My heart breaks at the thought of "what if" we had chosen that other path.

My prayer is that the Gosselins will chose the right path....the best path. However, my heart sank the other night as I listened to the couple being interviewed separately. It could go either way. They may choose to go separate ways or they could make the sacrifice for the love of their children and choose to work on finding healing in their marriage. My prayer is for the later.

What are your thoughts? Don't you think we can all learn a lesson from the issues of this family who unfortunately are in the spotlight with every problem and issue exposed to the whole world? Our choices not only affect our own well being but more importantly the innocent by-standers that never asked for this kind of pain.


MapleCottage said...

Hi :) I just found your blog link somewhere and have enjoyed a few minutes reading.. Congratulations on your two little bundles.. how precious!

KelliSue Kolz said...

Congratulations on your partnership with God in bringing two of his spirits, two bodies.

Jon & Kate Gosselin are clearly suffering, and the worst suffering will be with their children. I catch their show now and again and have enjoyed it for the most part. But they're not treating each other very kindly, much of the time.

Date night without children really helps couples reconnect after a tough week of meeting so many little people's needs.


September said...

Hello there! Cam across your blog through MOMYS group. I too, have been thinking heavily this week about the Goselins, and praying for their marriage. They are truly suffering. Thank you for posting.. I too, wish we could talk with them. God's plan works!

Double blessings and prayers to you with your pregnancy!
Would you mind if I added your blog to my blog list page?

Ange said...

Wow! What a wonderful surprise to see all of these comments! Thanks to all of you lovely ladies who took the time to stop by and read my blog. You have made my day!

Diana said...

I came across your blog through the MOMYS as well. My heart has been hurting for the Gosselins, too. I would try to contact her if only she wouldn't think I was a crazed fan... I enjoyed reading your thoughts and agree with you wholeheartedly. Congratulations on your new babies!!
Diana, mom to 18 so far

Debbie said...

Hi there,
Heard about your blog through momys too. We don't have tv so I do not follow the program of this family. However, I completely agree with the advice you have given here. I'll pray for them and their children.

Congrats on the twins!!

Ange said...

Could one of you MOMYS tell me how you found my blog through the MOMYS site? I am just curious! I was a part of the site a couple of years ago and tried to sign up again after we moved, but I cannot get used to the new format. Could someone email and maybe help me? Thanks so much and thanks again for all of your kind comments!

kblair said...

I agree with you whole heartedly. I too was at a point in my marriage when I wanted to give it all up but I didn't because of my youngest child. Now, 19 married years later, I am so thankful that I didn't. I love my husband more than words can express and my children will never have to go through the bid "D".
Love you Ange.

supplies overflowing! said...

Such honest, truthful, thoughts and words. You have a way of making me (and apparently others) think/react.

Ange said...

wow,I am so encouraged over all these comments. Never had this many. Thanks so much everyone! I really do appreciate you all taking time to leave your thoughts. Have a blessed day!