He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not. He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not. Over and Over. On and On it goes. He loves me, He told me so. Do I really believe it? I do not know!If someone asked me, "Does Jesus love you?" I would not hesitate to reply with a seemingly confident yes. After all, the first song I ever learned to sing about Jesus proves it. "Jesus loves me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so." Yes, the Bible tells me so, but that does not mean I really am confident in that love. Here's why. Take this little evaluation and be honest with yourself.
1.Do I fear the unknown?
2.Do I fear being unknown?
3.Do I fear not having enough?
4.Do I fear getting caught?
5.Do I fear I will never find the right person to marry?
6 Do I fear debilitating or life-threatening diseases?
7.Do I fear for my children's safety?
8.Do I fear what other people think of me?
9.Do I fear they won't think of me at all?
10.Do I fear crime?
11.Do I fear losing a loved one?
12.Do I fear authority?
13.Do I fear I won't get the things I desire most?
14.Do I fear what others might do to me?
15.Do I fear rejection?
16.Do I fear failure?
17.Do I fear being taken advantage of?
18.Do I fear being alone?
19.Do I fear losing my job?
20. Do I fear people finding out that I am not all I claim to be?
21.Do I fear something bad might happen to me?
22.Do I fear not fitting in?
23 Do I fear death?
(Questions are taken from "He Loves Me" by Wayne Jacobsen)
If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, then there is more to learn of the true meaning of God's love. And honestly, I believe every human being always has more to grasp,more to learn and more growing to do.
When I was a little girl, I talked to God a lot. I had not been instructed in the lessons of salvation. I had not walked any church isle to the song of "Just as I Am" to make a public declaration. But I did recognize His presence in simple and subtle ways such as in the wind, on my bike rides, sitting by the lake as I watched sail boats pass...the list is endless.And I think He liked it that way!
However, when I was 29 years old and was pregnant with my 3rd child, I began to doubt that I knew Him. I was afraid that my salvation was not secured and that if I did not stand before a church and confess this in some way, I would go to hell. Thus, the fears I had were compounded. I fell into the hidden terror of meeting God's expectations of what He wanted me to do with my life. Consequently, the pattern of my actions led to more about the "doing" rather than the "being".
I feel that many of us live life this way. We want to please God, so we make these mental lists of "I ought to". Then we realize at some point we really do not have the energy to meet up to all these expectations and we end up disappointed in ourselves. And we think, "Well, if I am disappointed in me, then God is too."
Needless to say, I am at another marking point in my life where I am seeing that I have been so off and so wrong about God in many ways. I have misinterpreted His love for me. So I am on a quest with Him to discovering new depths of His love. There is always a deeper place to go with Him. I have so much to share about this. However, I am mostly adamant about a Love Revolution in my own heart.
We hear about the modern religious revolutions and the church revolution and the "this and that" revolutions. But there is no true and lasting revolution without it taking place within the internal landscape of my own being. If I do not truly and deeply know that God loves me. If I am on edge wondering if every bad thing that happens to me is because I am being punished by God, then I am in fear and my love is bound up. I find that I am tied up in a religion more than a relationship and I am limited in the amount of love I can give to God and others.
Yes, God is calling for a love revolution. However, we have to have a true grasp of what that really means. I have to ask myself, " Am I truly living and walking in the affection of God? Is my fear keeping me from the very thing God is after?" He does not care about my religion and my set of rules, He cares about setting me free so that I fully experience just how much He delights in me.
There will be more on this idea of a Love Revolution. For now, I leave you with this simple sonnet from my heart.
I love the wind.
A little girl in my simple yard by the river,
Cross-legged upon the grass on billowy days.
Drawn, inspired, beckoned to by something...No. Someone,
Orchestrating the wind, directing the gusts as rustling melodies.
The breezes kissed my cheeks,
Styled my hair, And I knew!
He was touching me, loving me,delighting in me.
It's just something a kid knows which goes beyond knowledge,
Uncomplicated, honest, pure and authentic.
Over and Over I find He is taking me back
To the childhood place of simple grace, where I recognize His face.
And I rediscover the depths of Love in the wind,
Again,
Again,
And again!
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