Friday, February 27, 2009

Seared and Soothed

Today is a day when there is double stuff going on in my heart. It is this sort of thing that only a mother can truly understand. If you are a mother, you will experience it if you have not already.

On one hand my heart is seared. Seared because of the burning ache lingering there. For the first time, my oldest son will not be with us for his birthday. In four days he will be nineteen years old. He lives in Atlanta about 1800 miles away.Last September when my husband was offered a job here in the Phoenix area, our oldest son announced that he felt as though he was to stay put in Atlanta. Some wonderful friends offered to let him live with them while he worked and saved money. At first my heart was seared. I heard so many voices that were internal as well as external. Some were loud, some were whispered. And five months later to this day, I struggle from time to time with the suggestions of why he did not move here with us. I heard things like, "He is rejecting you and all you ever taught him." Or, "I do not blame him. He has been the oldest for so many years. He needs a break."

I have honestly battled some force of rejection feeling like my oldest son just wants to flee from our family. However, this is not true. When the voices come I stop and ask, "What is the truth and what is the lie?" The true Voice within me always straightens out the twisted facts.

For a son to want to separate from his family is a very healthy thing especially if he is taking independent steps to live responsibly, to search for his purpose, and to even tread out within reason into some areas of life he has never experienced.

My heart is seared because it is hard to let your babies go. It is difficult, yet sweet and exhilarating at the same time, to see them beginning to spread their wings. Yet the mother in you wants to cradle that child forever. And I do cradle him in my heart even though he is now too big and too far away to be cradled in my arms.

Yes, I am seared because I want him here with me on his birthday. I want to make him his favorite ice-cream cake and give him a hug. However, I am soothed because God has provided comfort in so many ways. I have little arms around me right now and little lips and cheeks to kiss. And I have an honest voice within me that is reassuring me that my now grown baby is in the care and covering of the Lord as he drives to work, travels around the city of Atlanta, and lives his life as a wonderful young man seeking his purpose in life.

What a bittersweet season this is. Today my heart aches yet rejoices at the same time. How can anyone understand other than a mother!

And I want to add one more thing. I am proud of you Bradley. I rejoice that you heard God's voice and chose to go against the norm. You did not cave into pressure and you are touching lives right where you are. You are in no rush to fit into a mold or to be a man pleaser. But you wait on the Lord allowing Him to steer your life. Happy Birthday son. Your life is and has always been a priceless gift. Love,Mom

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