Bittersweet and Bitter....

The title of this post pretty much explains my day yesterday. The events of the day were a mixture of joyful and sorrowful tears all at the same time. I do not think I have ever actually experienced these types of feelings all at once. Here is what happened.

I had an appointment with a perinatologist because one of my blood tests had come back with a low positive reading for the possibility of Downs Syndrome in one or both of the babies. I have had a tremendous peace about the whole thing as this particular test is not always accurate. However, when I actually found myself in the sonogram room, I began to feel a lot of fear.

I knew I would be there for a long time as the technician would be doing a very detailed examination of both babies via ultrasound. This is called a Level 2 sonogram where the babies are checked and measured all over for signs of birth defects. John was going to meet me at the appointment. But he had trouble with the van and could not make the appointment. So I lay in that dark room alone while my babies were being checked from head to toe.

Every time a wave of fear hit me I just started praying for all of my friends who are either expecting a baby or are trying to become pregnant. This distracted me somewhat. And for some reason, whenever the technician was checking the babies' hearts, I just wanted to look away from the screen.

Needless to say, the specialist came in with an astounding report that both babies look great. No signs of any Downs and they are both growing really well. However, the doctor did find something with Lizzie that is very minor. She actually has an extra little pouch which formed on one of her kidneys. The specialist said on a scale of one to ten with ten being the most severe, it rates about a one or two. However, they are going to keep a check on it. And after she is born the pediatrician will need to watch her to make sure she is not having a lot of urinary tract infections.

I was overjoyed at the overall good news from the doctor. And I know that I have been blessed to receive such great care under well respected doctors. The perinatal office I am going to has some of the top rated physicians in the country!

Now, when I arrived home I was so happy and elated. A sweet friend had sent us some beautiful pink baby clothes and I was having a great time sorting through and admiring them. At the same time I was praising God for being so good and faithful.

Then the tables turned. I had only been home a short while when I received news that a dear friend had been in the Emergency Room. She is about 11 weeks pregnant and had been having some bleeding. The doctor performed an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. So now my precious friend who lives on the other side of the country is at home going through this terrible pain. I too have felt the pain of miscarriage. It is one of the most excruciating things a woman can go through. The tears I cried for her and am still crying for her today come from somewhere deep within me. It is not until one has experienced a certain pain that one can truly partake in another's sorrow with genuine understanding.

So here I am. Aching and hurting for my dear friend. She has already endured multiple miscarriages. And I feel so deeply for her that I laid in my bed last night and wept! Wept because I know what she is feeling. Wept because I still ache for the babies I lost. Wept because I do not understand why a woman with such a tender and open heart to have children becomes pregnant only to have that sweet life ripped from her very being. Wept because I had a good day with good news and my friend did not. It is not fair!! And I wept because she lives so far away and I cannot go and sit with her, hug her and weep beside her.

Last night as I was thinking about my mixed feelings of sweetness and bitterness, I felt like I was given a glimpse of the Father's heart. Yet I questioned Him, "How is it Lord, that your heart is so huge that you can cry with the wounded and yet rejoice with the joyful all at the same time?" And that was me. I was joyful yet sorrowful at the same time.Such a strange feeling. Such an unusual day....of bitter sweetness and bitterness. Yet I slept in sweetness in His arms of Grace.